HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
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99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Don’t snitch tag.