@iwearaonesie

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

You Might Also Like

@blade_funner

Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.

@Donna_McCoy

My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.

@Tbone7219

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@ambamthankyamam

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

@thetits

[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*

@BDGarp

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

@ristolable

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

@ValeeGrrl

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

@Dawn_M_

My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.