Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.