HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
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My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Mornin. * use accordingly
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
[Texts to 14]
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[Reply]
OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole