HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.