HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
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Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I hope my boss asks me to draw a bunch of cats wearing top hats today cause then I’ll already be done my work and I can leave early
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on