HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
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“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Yes my dude
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Me: You get your smarts from me.
My kid: Yep, I got your mustache too. Heyooo!
So, free to a good home if anyone wants a kid.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.