HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
You Might Also Like
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.