HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.