HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
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God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream