HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
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ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me
Riddler: what’s your secret identity
Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot
Riddler:
Batman: you absolute fool
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever