HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
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When your teen is already bigger than you are…
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”