[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
This came to me in a dream.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
That’s what I call a flat tire
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.