[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
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[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
My new favorite headline
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.