HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
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Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways