HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
![]()
You Might Also Like
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
![]()
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker