HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
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Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?