HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
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If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
congratulations to them
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*