HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
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[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
that wasn’t the question
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
HOW DARE YOU
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Skills
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Best table by far