HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
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job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
A ghost story
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*