HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Meowchelangelo
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.