@tayandmae My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
@WoodyLuvsCoffee HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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@tayandmae 
@eddiesnextwife When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
@byrdie_num_num As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
@lazerdoov Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
@fatherofcomedy My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
@MaximumEfficacy I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
@clichedout I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
@roxiqt Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
@LoveNLunchmeat Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
@JB4Realz [PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”