HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
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I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
just pretend nothing happened
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Truth
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Me: *rips pants bending over*
Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!
Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.
Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*
Me: *dies*
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*