HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

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My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband


When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.


As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.


Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ


My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.


I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…


I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.


Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.


Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.


“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”