@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

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@tayandmae

My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!

PLEASE do not tell my husband

@eddiesnextwife

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

@byrdie_num_num

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

@lazerdoov

Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ

@fatherofcomedy

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

@MaximumEfficacy

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

@clichedout

I totally get your eyebrows.

My bank account is overdrawn, too.

@roxiqt

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

@JB4Realz

[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”