HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed