HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
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aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
British websites use biscuits.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy