[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
I want to meet the individual who made this
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Batman v Dracula