[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
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Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato