Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
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what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
I’d … I’d rather not.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Who wants to be my Valentine?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.