Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.