Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
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Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
Am I having a stroke?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.