Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
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Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.