Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
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You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Get in the van.
What if death gives you lemons?
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*
Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.