Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
You Might Also Like
Good dog. ❤️
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
notice
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
peep davidson
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts