Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

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mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.


everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no


Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.


I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.


What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”


My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”


While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section


Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.