@ChickenFrecklez

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

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@itsBABYSMITH

mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.

@InternetHippo

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

@jordan_stratton

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

@mompsychologist

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

@What_Idiot_

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

@martyntanton

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

@shutupmikeginn

While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section

@Bob_Janke

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.