Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
How actors in movies eat their food
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
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depression for dummies
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”