Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
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Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids