Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
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[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.