Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
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what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
Ha.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Brands during Pride
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!