Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
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If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
The Weeknd is back
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)