Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
Back again? Forget something?
-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?