Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well