Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
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Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot