Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
In the cyber-farting case, the ex (the alleged farter) is accused of harassment, but all I hear is “her a$$-mint”.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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Trust my gut? The thing that makes weird gurgling noises immediately when a work meeting goes quiet.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
seriously you guys
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If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.