Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Beauty and the Beast
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?