Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
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What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S