Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
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Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.