Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
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Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
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My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
The news is so predictable nowadays
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them