hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
You Might Also Like
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
is this a warning or an offer?
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.