Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
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I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
Saw online –
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around