Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
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How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
I’d like to thank the people who buy the gift bags. Because of you, I have never had to buy a gift bag. Thank you, from the bottom of my large gift bag filled with smaller gift bags.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?