Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
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Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.