Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
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Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
WHO DID THIS?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Thank you corporation very cool
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]