huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
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Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
congratulations to them
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
こいつ天才
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?