huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Just got to our Airbnb!
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
